Hermione Help Me!
by ChangingbacktoBellamort500
Summary: A series of letters from Harry to his friends & enemies.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**Set: OTP In the summer before starts his fifth year.**

Dear Hermione,

Help Me!.

Voldemort has recruited squirrels to spy on me. I was in the park and there were squirrels and at first I didn't pay any attention to them.

But then a baby squirrel started looking at me in a threatening and suspicious way.

Please tell Dumbledore that my life is in danger and that if I get murdered by squirrels it's his fault.

In other news I have developed a serious caffeine addiction, Coffee, Coca-Cola, Energy drinks. If it's got caffeine in I'll drink it.

So if you could find it in your heart to send me things with caffeine in I'd be grateful.

The Dursleys refuse to get me anything and I can't go out because of the squirrel threat.

Love Harry

Dear Harry,

Dumbledore says that I shouldn't write to you and that you're trying to get everyone's attention. I know you and know how far you'll go if you're ignored so I'm disobeying Dumbledore.

I'm pretty certain that Voldemort has not recruited squirrels to spy on you and that you're not going to be' murdered by squirrels.

But just as a precaution I've arranged for enough cans and bottles of Coca-Cola to be' delivered to you so you won't have to go out also I arranged for food to be' sent as well.

Love Hermione

P.S Ron, Ginny, The twins, Padfoot and Remus say Hi.

Dear Hermione,

I received the food and drink, thank-you. Tell everyone I said Hi.

What I really want to know is how Padfoot and Remus were able to tell you to tell me Hi.

Well I'm off to write to Dumbledore and Voldemort.

Love Harry.

Dear Voldemort,

At our next show down will you say "Harry I am your father".

Also have you recruited an army of squirrels to spy on me?.

If you have please tell Dumbledore you have and that they are going to kill me.

Harry Potter, The boy you keep failing to kill.

Dear Dumbledore,

I just sent a letter to Voldemort and I want you to know that I know you're plotting to steal Hedwig.

But you can't have her, she's my owl.

The seriously fed up and slightly insane Harry Potter.

**AN: I wrote this to try and help get over my mild writers block.**

**Should I write a second chapter? .**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers.

Dear Harry,

I cannot tell you how am I able to tell you Hi from Padfoot and Remus. It's too risky to put in a letter that can be' easily intercepted.

Dumbledore got your letter. At first he thought you were joking about writing to Voldemort, but when it was confirmed' that you had Dumbledore was not happy.

Mrs. Weasley wasn't happy either and she is going to have a few things to say to you next time she sees you.

The twins and Padfoot thought it was hilarious though.

Love Hermione.

Dear Potter,

No I do not have an army of squirrels following you or planning to kill you, nor will I tell Dumbledore that I have.

And I will not say "Harry, I am your father next we meet".

Do not write me again, go away bug someone else.

The Dark Lord.

Dear Hermione,

Tell Dumbledore I do not care if he is happy or not. He couldn't even take a couple of seconds to write to me.

Voldemort wrote to me and he hates me. Well I assume he hates me as he has tried to kill me a lot.

In other and completely unrelated news I think my aunt and uncle have an alien living inside them.

I am not sure, will need to investigate further.

Love Harry

P.S Tell Padfoot, Ron and Mrs. Weasley I'll send them a letter.

P.P.S Tell Dumbledore I am going to write Voldemort again.

Dear Mrs. Weasley,

Would you please write to Voldemort and get him to say "Harry, I am your father."

Because I really think he'll listen to you as you're super scary.

Love Harry.

Dear Padfoot,

I have the sneaking feeling that aliens are living inside my aunt and uncle, I fear they want to eat the flesh from my bones.

It is all rather scary actually so please come and save me.

Also bite Dumbledore for me, he's a jerk.

Love Harry.

Dear Voldemort,

You never do anything for me, you're completely unreasonable so I had no choice but to set Molly Weasley on you.

Sorry dude, but you should have agreed to my simple request.

Also my scar keeps burning when you're angry, I think we have some weird creepy connection.

So take up anger management, you little demon.

The boy who lives to annoy you.

Dear Ron,

Be a pal and get Sirius to save me and to bite Dumbledore. Also if could get your mother to write to Voldemort that'd be' swell.

Because I've already told Voldemort she would and I don't want to look like a liar in front my arch-enemy.

Sincerely Harry.

Dear Harry,

Padfoot bit Dumbledore, but he can't come and get you or write to you.

Me and Hermione are barely able to sneak letters to you.

Sorry mate, but you're going to have to look like a liar because my mum won't write to Voldemort for you.

Hermione sends her love and hopes to write to you soon.

Sincerely Ron.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers. **

Dear Hermione,

I have to turned' my bedroom into a bath, I am now having a fully clothed bubble bath while using my mattress as a boat.

I've no idea how I am going to get the water out or how I will ever get the room dry.

The Dursleys don't know yet, but I am sure that the boring trio will overreact to the whole thing.

They always overreact, just the other day my aunt nearly shattered the windows with her screaming because I took apart the cooker and the washing machine because I needed the components to use to build a space ship.

Yes, I am building space. The reason because I want to send all the left shoes to Mars.

Then everybody will only have one shoe and they'll look ridiculous.

Love Harry.

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Dear Harry,

Dumbledore is going to allow Padfoot and Remus to visit you to help straighten out your bedroom.

He is only allowing it because I told Mrs. Weasley you would get into terrible trouble and the Dursleys might kick you out and then you'd do something reckless like go to Voldemort.

And she complained until he gave in, now this only a visit Harry so unfortunately they can't bring you here. But they will explain a few things.

The twins wanted me to ask you if once you've built your space ship if the ship would have room for a bag of broken quills.

Love Hermione.

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Dear Hermione,

Tell the twins yes there is room.

YAY!. Padfoot and Remus are coming to see me. Okay they are going to leave me here, but at least I get their company for a short while.

I have to go now as Voldemort's owl has just turned up, it has the most evil eyes and it keeps pecking my hand.

Love Harry.

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Dear Potter,

I am not scared of Molly Weasley, nor am I scared of anything your puny little mind could come up with.

No, I will not take anger management classes or see an anger management therapist just because when I am angry your scar burns.

Do not refer to me as a little demon.

As for never doing anything for you, you never do anything for me.

All I have ever asked is that you die by my hand, but no. You refuse to just die.

The Dark Lord who is plotting how to rid himself of you.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers. **

Dear Voldemort,

I know deep down, very deep down that you love me. You trying to kill me is your way of showing it.

I wish you'd show it in a less homicidal way, maybe buy me a pony or crayons.

I love crayons, I like drawing robots on the walls with them.

Anyway I have to go now, I have visitors here to help drain the water from my room.

Harry Potter your archenemy.

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Dear Harry,

Why are' Padfoot and Remus covered in jam? and muttering he really has lost it?.

Ron.

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Dear Ron,

I had to cover them in jam so the demons that live my wall didn't detect them.

As to why they think I have finally lost it I've no idea why they think that.

Your best friend apart the creepy clown that lives under your bed who is more your best friend than me,Harry.

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Dear Harry,

There is no creepy clown living under my bed and if there was it wouldn't be' my best friend.

Ron.

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Dear Ron,

There is a creepy clown living under your bed, his name is Billy Bob.

He is very hurt that you don't consider him your best friend.

He told the demons in my wall and they told me.

Harry.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers. **

Dear Potter,

I do not love you, I will never love you.

I am never going to buy you a pony or crayons. I will torture and kill you.

Stop writing to me!.

The Dark Lord.

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Dear Dumbledore,

Voldemort refuses to buy me a pony and some crayons which is just mean.

And he wants me to stop writing to him, but don't worry I won't.

In other news a hundred Flamingos have arrived at Privet drive from nowhere, they appeared in the living room an hour ago.

I swear it isn't down to me.

Harry I am suspicious of flamingos Potter.

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Dear Harry,

Dumbledore still refuses to reply to you even though he gets your letters.

He says everybody is busy so no one for the time being can get rid of the flamingos.

Although everybody is curious as to how they got there in the first place.

Ron has been having nightmares about a clown and demons. He says it's all your fault.

Everybody has started to discuss whether you have finally snapped or if you're just acting. It is rather amusing to hear both sides arguing over who is right.

Love Hermione

P.S I sent you a box of crayons.

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Dear Hermione,

Thank you for the box of crayons, I shall begin drawing robots on the walls once I have finished writing this letter.

I have started to put hats on the flamingos and they look awesome. Although My Aunt Petunia doesn't agree, but that's probably because she has no sense of style.

Well I am going to draw robots on the walls and maybe a duck as well.

Love Harry.

P.S If you could ask the twins to send me stuff to prank the Dursleys with.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers. **

Dear Harry,

Hermione told us of your request for items to help you to prank the Dursleys and of course we are happy to provide you with these items.

Just don't tell our mother because you know how she gets about these things and she is already mad at us for dressing up as clowns, hiding under Ron's bed and waiting there until he had nearly nodded off to sleep then scared him half to death by shouting Boo.

When he saw we were dressed up as clowns he screamed the house down, it was funny.

Fred and George.

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Dear Fred and George,

I promise not to tell your mother about you sending' me pranking items. I will however write to her telling her all about my awesome day.

In fact I am going to start writing a letter to her now.

Harry.

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Dear Mrs. Weasley,

Today has been awesome, my cousin was attacked by flamingos it was hilarious. I drew robot versions of everybody I love on the wall and everybody looks cool as robots.

I was a dolphin for a few hours until I got bored and became a goat. I was briefly a camel, but the less said about that the better.

I lost a game of chess against Hedwig, she is really smart. My aunt keeps giving me odd looks when I start talking to the smiley faces I drew on my fingertips.

Love Harry

P.S Did you know that flamingos are very good at hide and seek.

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Dear Harry,

I do not know what you wrote to Mrs. Weasley, but she is now convinced that you have lost it. She keeps begging Dumbledore to send someone to get you from Private drive, but he insists you have to stay a while longer.

Ron continues to have nightmares and refuses to write to you until you begin behaving normally.

Everything is chaotic here ever since it started raining socks in the house, you wouldn't happen to be behind that would you? .

Love Hermione

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Dear Hermione,

I told Mrs. Weasley about my awesome day, I don't know why that would make her think I've lost it.

Tell Ron I am hurt at his refusal to write to me and that I hope a kangaroo breaks' into his room and draws a moustache on his face.

I may have convinced Dobby the last time he visited to make it start raining socks, there is no may about it I did convince him.

Love Harry

P.S I paid Dobby with both money and pictures of ducks.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers. **

Dear Voldemort,

I am trying to decide which colour cowboy hat would suit me, red or blue?. Which one do you think would look better?.

Also I think am being haunted by the ghost Mr. Snuggles, he was my cousin's teddy bear and years ago I buried him. The teddy bear not my cousin.

Do you know how to get rid of ghost teddy bears?.

Harry, You know you love me, Potter.

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Dear Potter,

I do not care what colour cowboy hat you wear. I do not care that you buried a teddy bear and now you believe it is haunting you.

How many times do I have to tell you that I don't care about the things in your life?. I do not love you.

Go and annoy Dumbledore.

The Dark Lord.

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Dear Voldemort,

You're very cranky today. I just wanted a bit of advice there is no need to be so grumpy.

Your constant refusal of loving me is becoming hurtful.

Well I'm going to bug Dumbledore now. Not because you told me to, because I want to.

Harry-King of Hamsters and Gerbils- Potter.

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Dear Dumbledore,

Voldemort told me to tell you that you're a jerk, okay he didn't. But I am sure he thinks you're. And even if he doesn't, I think you're jerk and I also think it'd be awesome if you dyed your beard pink.

Also I have become king of the hamsters and gerbils, please begin telling people about this.

Oh I nearly forgot to tell you, I played a prank on the Dursleys and somehow I turned them into pigs.

I don't know how I did it.

Harry - Being pigs' suit the Dursleys-Potter.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers. **

Dear Hermione,

I have taken the liberty of filling this letter with my various thoughts on the day to show future generations when they ask "I wonder what Harry Potter thought about?."

Morning

My breath smells, I swear a tiny troll pooped in my mouth when I was asleep.

Do tiny trolls exist?.

Should I warm up the pizza leftover from last night? . No, I prefer it cold anyway.

Why doesn't Hogwarts serve Pizza?.

I'm bored, I wonder what Hermione and Ron are doing.

My Aunt Petunia strongly resembles a horse.

I preferred the Dursleys when they were pigs, why did Dumbledore send Mr. Weasley to change them back.

Does Voldemort eat or drink?. I'd write and ask, but I know he won't tell me.

It's almost afternoon, that staring contest with Hedwig took up a lot time. I can't believe I lost a staring against my owl.

Afternoon

The banana covered in strawberry yogurt I had for lunch was delicious.

I must remember to thank Hermione for the food she keeps getting sent to me.

Why is my uncle Vernon looking at me as if I am odd?. He's the one with a pink mustache. Maybe he is still upset about the pig incident.

How odd my room is filled with pillows.

I feel like I've forgotten something, but what?.

I'm sure I'll remember at some point.

Bubbles are pretty. The bubbles burst, I'm really sad now.

I am finally going to accept I cannot juggle.

I am bored of writing now.

Love Harry

P.S I just remembered I forgot to turn the taps off in the bathroom.

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Dear Harry,

I am sure future generations will find it fascinating.

Love Hermione

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Dear Hermione,

Your letter was very short and I suspect you were being sarcastic.

I am a ninja.

Love Harry.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. **

**A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers. **

Dear Voldemort,

I had the weirdest dream. I dreamt you were wearing a tutu and you were singing. It was funny, but also creepy.

Oh, could you tell me all your future diabolical plans so I can thwart them.

Harry Potter.

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Dear Potter,

I have never worn a tutu and I don't sing. Your imagination disturbs me.

No I will not tell you any of my plans. If you want to find them out do some investigating.

What is with people now days?.

Wanting everything handed to them outright. In my day you didn't ask your arch enemies for their plans, you had to work your butt off to find out.

The Dark Lord.

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Dear Voldemort,

Don't go on an old man rant with me, its Dumbledore's fault. He is the jerk in all of this.

That remains me I have to write to Dumbledore.

Harry, I have a paper cut, Potter.

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Dear Dumbledore,

I swear to Merlin if you don't write to me I will join Voldemort. Yes he killed my parents and has tried killing me several times, but at least he takes the time to write to me.

Why can't you be more like my buddy Voldemort.

The very annoyed and serious about joining Voldemort, Harry Potter.

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Dear Mister Potter,

Although I seriously doubt you will run off and join the man that murdered your parents. I will answer your ridiculous letter on the off chance that you're serious.

You're to stop writing to Voldemort, I mean it Harry.

Albus Dumbledore.

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Dear Dumbledore,

Go eat dragon dung, if I want to write to Voldemort I will. You're not the boss of me.

Harry, I think Dumbledore is a jerk, Potter.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A massive thank you to my readers and reviewers, you guys are awesome. **

Dear Hermione,

I now have a baby dragon, I don't know whether it is a boy or a girl so I decided to call it Cheesy Pickles.

The Dursleys do not like Cheesy Pickles for reasons that eludes me.

Love Harry and Cheesy Pickles.

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Dear Harry,

Where did you get a dragon from?.

And Ron would like you to stop sending him pictures of your feet.

Love Hermione.

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Dear Hermione,

I know a guy who knows a guy that got Cheesy Pickles for me. There names are not important and how they got the dragon is best not asked.

Tell Ron if he wants me to stop sending him pictures of my feet he has to ask me to stop.

Love Harry and Cheesy Pickles.

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Harry ,

Stop sending me pictures of your feet and while I am on the subject of things I'd like you to stop sending me, here's a list of the following you're to stop sending me.

Pictures of cheese

Flower petals

Toenail clippings

Empty ice creams tubs.

Ron.

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Ron,

I am going to continue to send you those things and do you know why?

Because I am a good friend.

Harry and Cheesy Pickles.

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**AN: Check out my forum Plot Bunnies HQ.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A massive thank you to my readers and reviewers. **

Dear Voldemort,

I am very upset, Dumbledore took my baby dragon Cheesy Pickles away from me. I suspect it was that type of meanness that made you hate him.

Harry, I want my dragon back, Potter.

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Dear Potter,

I do not hate him because he was mean to me, I hate him because he is a Muggle loving fool.

And course he took a dragon away from you, you can't control yourself let alone a dragon.

The Dark Lord.

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Dear Voldemort,

I can control myself, I choose not to. Anyway I have gotten myself a tiger to take away the pain of losing Cheesy Pickles.

Harry Potter

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Dear Mister Potter,

Why do you have a tiger?. I told you no more dangerous pets. I am sending someone to collect the tiger.

Albus Dumbledore.

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Dear Voldemort,

Dumbledore is now sending someone to take my tiger away, it is all your fault. You were the only one who knew about me having a tiger.

Which means you told him, I can forgive the constant attempts to kill me. I can forgive the fact I am an orphan because of you, but I will never forgive you for telling Dumbledore about Eddie.

Yes, I named him Eddie and I was going to get another tiger a call it Teddy .

You're ruining my life.

Harry, I am really sad now, Potter.


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A massive thank-you to my readers and reviewers. **

Dear Hermione,

Do you ever think that maybe the issue with the wizarding world is that there are no amusement parks.

I just think that if Voldemort and Dumbledore went on a super scary Rollercoaster or something it'd be a bonding opportunity.

Love Harry.

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Dear Harry,

I shared thoughts with Dumbledore and apparently it would take more than a super scary ride to sort their issues out.

Both Sirius and the twins thought it was a good idea once I explained what amusement park was.

Love Hermione.

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Dear Hermione,

I try to come up with good and creative ways to ensure peace in our world, but Dumbledore and Voldemort won't even try anything to stop this ridiculous bickering before we all get killed.

Sometimes I wish their mothers were alive so I could tell on them.

Hey! I just a brilliant idea, I shall contact their mothers using a Ouija board.

Love Harry.

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Dear Dumbledore,

I contacted your dead mother's ghost and she is very angry with you.

Harry.

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Dear Voldemort,

I contacted your dead mother's ghost and she is very proud of everything you have done.

After speaking to her I am amazed you're as sane as you're. Seriously if she'd lived you'd be way worse.

Harry, your mother is weird, Potter.


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A massive thank you to my readers and reviewers. **

Dear Harry,

I have decided to join you in insanity.

Why? Because I am fed up of being treated like I am a toddler. They call me the brightest witch of her age, but Dumbledore and everybody else treats me like I'm stupid.

Also they won't let me visit you, no matter how much I beg to.

Love Hermione.

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Dear Hermione,

Welcome to a life of insanity. The first thing you should know is that no matter what people say jelly beans nipped in ketchup is delicious.

That has nothing to do with being insane, but it is great advice though.

Love Harry.

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Dear Harry,

I offered to make lunch today for everyone and I remembered what you said about Jelly beans and ketchup, I thought to myself that sounds yummy.

So I decided to make that for lunch, but I couldn't find any Jelly beans or ketchup in the house so I decided to improvise.

I made up three different flavors of jelly; strawberry, raspberry and orange. I waited for to set and while I was waiting I chopped up lots of tomatoes and mashed them up into a pulp.

Once I'd done that I thought to myself that jelly and tomatoes was really boring on its own so I made a cheese, chocolate and curry sauce to go over it.

When I dished it up to everybody they refuse to eat it which was quite hurtful so to cut a long story short I dumped the food over their heads.

That's pretty much my day, what did you do today? .

Love Hermione.

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Dear Hermione,

My day has been pretty uneventful, I lost at a game of poker against a Goblin. I didn't have the money, but I told him Dumbledore had the money I owed him. So if Dumbledore gets attacked by an enraged Goblin its my fault.

But like I said uneventful.

How dare they refuse to eat the wonderful food you made. I am so enraged about this that I am going to write a very stern letter.

Love Harry.

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Dear people who refused to eat the wonderful food that Hermione cooked you, damn I should have just put dear jerks then the name would be shorter,

You're all ungrateful troll snoggers who occasionally date Goblins.

Hermione goes to the trouble to cook and you insult her by not eating it. Well let me tell you, you have made a powerful enemy in me by insulting Hermione.

Vengeance will be mine and Hermione's.

Your powerful enemy Harry Potter.


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

A massive thank you to my readers and reviewers.

Dear Voldemort,

Have you ever wondered what a half House Elf and Half Goblin baby would look like?. Because I have been thinking about it a lot lately and I can't decide if it would look cute or creepy.

Anyway I need a small favor in the form of borrowing a few of your Death Eaters for reasons I cannot divulge to you at this moment.

Harry Potter.

Dear Hermione,

I've noticed that you have not responded to my last three letters, I am worried about you.

Love Harry Potter.

Dear Harry,

It's Ron, I am writing to you on Hermione's behalf. Why? Because she currently can't cough without wands being drawn against her.

And it is all your fault! If you weren't insane or at least pretending to be then she wouldn't have joined you in insanity, she wouldn't have snuck out and gone to see Voldemort, offer him Dumbledore in exchange for him not killing you.

Ron.

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Dear Potter,

Leave me alone!, I have had enough of you and tell your friend to leave me alone too.

I will not lend you my Death Eaters, I don't like them that much but I don't hate them enough to send them anywhere near you.

The Dark Lord .  
Lord Voldemort.  
The Man who just wants you to leave him alone.

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Dear Ron and Hermione,

I think Dumbledore should sacrifice himself so I can live, I mean the man has been around forever and I haven't really lived at all.

And I thank Hermione for effort for trying to make sure I don't get killed, shame on you Ron for not assisting her.

Love Harry.

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Dear Voldemort,

I will not leave you alone and no, I won't tell Hermione to leave you alone either.

I knew you wouldn't lend me any Death Eaters. You're so mean.

Harry Potter.  
The Boy Who Lived The Boy Who Wanted To Have Parents, But Doesn't Because Of You. 


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